Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Picking up the pieces

Since February I have evaluated life in a different way. I had a complete meltdown. I felt like I was backed up to a wall and didn't know what to do. That was the hardest thing for me. I am not happy unless I am in control of a situation. I don't like to feel out of control. I don't get drunk to the point where I cannot be in control. I fear the loss of control. It puts me into a spiral. I had this meltdown at work, in front of my boss and coworkers. That is embarrassing. I would say it was a panic/anxiety attack looking back at it now. Something I have always been able to control before. I could always talk myself out of a attack. Turn my mind onto something different. This time I couldn't. I had no control. After some talk with my doctor and a conversation with my parents, life started to work its way back to being in control. I realized my living situation needed to change and have made those necessary changes. It was on of the scariest things I have been through. I am still struggling with losing control of situations. I realized there are things that are out of my control. I cannot control life. I can control how I live my life but not the amount of time I am given. That can almost sent me into another panic attack. I fear death, I know, the one thing you have no control over. But that is my biggest fear.

My support group, friends and family, has always been there. I have always had someone to talk to, if and when I needed. But I tried to manage everything myself. I don't see myself as a control freak tho. Things have to be a certain way, in order for order. I don't like to tell people my problems, what's on my mind or anything like that. I feel people have enough going on in their lives they don't need my issues. I am a great listener and my friends mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. I don't expect it in return. I am a big girl, I can handle it on my own. I try anyway. I don't like to be needy. Would I turn away a shoulder to lean on, no. I just have to muster enough out of me to ask for help. I feel like I am disappointing people if I need them. I turn off emotion to deal with certain situations, something I have always been able to do. I don't want to be a disappointment.

Since my meltdown, I have been working my way up to being me. I don't think I will ever be the same person again. I see things differently, and I still lose control. I read a situation the wrong way and then think I am the problem. I struggle with thinking I am bad friend or being a disappointment. I know people tell me that I am not. That I am a great friend. It is hard some days.

It has been a struggle to be happy, happy like I was before. happy. I am happy. As long as I can stay out of my own head, things are good. This summer has been one of my favourite summers ever. I have met new people. I have put myself out there to meet new people. I am glad I have. I have made some awesome new friends this way. I have gotten to do things this summer that I won't forget. Life is short. Make it count. Spend each moment with people who make you smile and laugh. Days are much more enjoyable when you are smiling. Don't let someone bring you down. I am making each moment count.

Life will get back to "normal" Everyday is a new beginning. New page in the chapter of 2016. Write the best book you can.

On another note, in July I lost someone who meant so much to me. She was a mentor and someone I looked up to. She took me under her wing my first year at Nationals. I could always count on her to kick me in the butt when I needed it. If my game was struggling, she would just give me a look and I was scared (if you weren't then she would come over and kick you in the ass) But I respected her like no other. This years Provincials really stick out for me. It was the last day of provincials, I didn't think I was going to make the team. I was so disappointed in the way I played all weekend and was kicking my own ass. I had packed up my darts and was ready to go. Pat told me to sit down. I didn't want to stay because I knew. Pat told me to sit down because I didn't know anything. She had faith in me when I didn't. Well, I made the team. She looked at me, like I told you so! And I hugged her. She believed in me when I couldn't. She believed in all her dart players even when they didn't. She was the president of the SDA, coach, mentor and a friend. She treated us all like we were her "kids". She gave us shit when we needed it and laughed along with us when we were goofing around. She was one of  a kind and it isn't the same without her. I know she is looking over us and going to give us that kick when we need it. This year I play in the memory of a great woman. I will make you proud!

Wow, this went longer than I had anticipated. If you have read this far, thanks :)

Love yourself first
Always Keep Fighting
I am enough
You are not alone