Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Picking up the pieces

Since February I have evaluated life in a different way. I had a complete meltdown. I felt like I was backed up to a wall and didn't know what to do. That was the hardest thing for me. I am not happy unless I am in control of a situation. I don't like to feel out of control. I don't get drunk to the point where I cannot be in control. I fear the loss of control. It puts me into a spiral. I had this meltdown at work, in front of my boss and coworkers. That is embarrassing. I would say it was a panic/anxiety attack looking back at it now. Something I have always been able to control before. I could always talk myself out of a attack. Turn my mind onto something different. This time I couldn't. I had no control. After some talk with my doctor and a conversation with my parents, life started to work its way back to being in control. I realized my living situation needed to change and have made those necessary changes. It was on of the scariest things I have been through. I am still struggling with losing control of situations. I realized there are things that are out of my control. I cannot control life. I can control how I live my life but not the amount of time I am given. That can almost sent me into another panic attack. I fear death, I know, the one thing you have no control over. But that is my biggest fear.

My support group, friends and family, has always been there. I have always had someone to talk to, if and when I needed. But I tried to manage everything myself. I don't see myself as a control freak tho. Things have to be a certain way, in order for order. I don't like to tell people my problems, what's on my mind or anything like that. I feel people have enough going on in their lives they don't need my issues. I am a great listener and my friends mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. I don't expect it in return. I am a big girl, I can handle it on my own. I try anyway. I don't like to be needy. Would I turn away a shoulder to lean on, no. I just have to muster enough out of me to ask for help. I feel like I am disappointing people if I need them. I turn off emotion to deal with certain situations, something I have always been able to do. I don't want to be a disappointment.

Since my meltdown, I have been working my way up to being me. I don't think I will ever be the same person again. I see things differently, and I still lose control. I read a situation the wrong way and then think I am the problem. I struggle with thinking I am bad friend or being a disappointment. I know people tell me that I am not. That I am a great friend. It is hard some days.

It has been a struggle to be happy, happy like I was before. happy. I am happy. As long as I can stay out of my own head, things are good. This summer has been one of my favourite summers ever. I have met new people. I have put myself out there to meet new people. I am glad I have. I have made some awesome new friends this way. I have gotten to do things this summer that I won't forget. Life is short. Make it count. Spend each moment with people who make you smile and laugh. Days are much more enjoyable when you are smiling. Don't let someone bring you down. I am making each moment count.

Life will get back to "normal" Everyday is a new beginning. New page in the chapter of 2016. Write the best book you can.

On another note, in July I lost someone who meant so much to me. She was a mentor and someone I looked up to. She took me under her wing my first year at Nationals. I could always count on her to kick me in the butt when I needed it. If my game was struggling, she would just give me a look and I was scared (if you weren't then she would come over and kick you in the ass) But I respected her like no other. This years Provincials really stick out for me. It was the last day of provincials, I didn't think I was going to make the team. I was so disappointed in the way I played all weekend and was kicking my own ass. I had packed up my darts and was ready to go. Pat told me to sit down. I didn't want to stay because I knew. Pat told me to sit down because I didn't know anything. She had faith in me when I didn't. Well, I made the team. She looked at me, like I told you so! And I hugged her. She believed in me when I couldn't. She believed in all her dart players even when they didn't. She was the president of the SDA, coach, mentor and a friend. She treated us all like we were her "kids". She gave us shit when we needed it and laughed along with us when we were goofing around. She was one of  a kind and it isn't the same without her. I know she is looking over us and going to give us that kick when we need it. This year I play in the memory of a great woman. I will make you proud!

Wow, this went longer than I had anticipated. If you have read this far, thanks :)

Love yourself first
Always Keep Fighting
I am enough
You are not alone


Friday, 24 June 2016

Zero cares given

Is it wrong to not give a shit?...about what? I don't know. I just don't give a shit. I think I have given enough shits to just not give a shit.

Maybe it's just a mental thing. My sleep has been erratic. Going a week on my sleep aids and then's bound to mess with me...right? Who knows. I don't give a shit.

I'm done. Done what? Again I don't know.

Maybe I just need to get away. Camping. Away. Where I can just relax and do what ever I feel like. Sleep, eat, walk, eat, sleep.

Yes, I am happy. I am watching Kierstyn play. That makes me happy. She and Dom make me happy. They are the reason I wake up every morning, one of the many reasons. I know I am happy. My life is good, it's getting to be great. But, I am happy with good. It was shit a few months ago. I have learned when I can't, I ask for help. Sometimes I still can't. Sometimes it comes easy. Depends on me.

I depend on me. No one else. I am good with that. I like things the way they are Anything else good right now is an added bonus. I am up for added bonuses.

Today I just don't give a shit. Once I figure it out....I'll let you know.

Happy weekend all!!


Monday, 20 June 2016

Chalked like a boss

I started writing about this year's National's but just couldn't find a groove....So I looked at last year's post and thought I would just do that again...go day by we go...

National's 2016....Richmond,BC. I did it again!!!!! Whoooooo!!!!

Monday, June 13th. ~ I woke up, fed the kids breakfast and drove Dominic to school. Kierstyn and I putzed around the house for a little while and then I took her to daycare and headed off to Mom's. Sat there for a little while and loaded my suitcase and headed off to the airport. Flight was at 12:48. Finally a flight were we could sleep in!! So great :) Checked in and all that fun stuff. Headed to the airport bar and had a beer.....a fricken 8 dollar off. Anyhoo, met up with the rest of the team there and then we boarded for Vancouver! 2 hours later, and an hour earlier (time difference) we landed. Yes!! Got to the airport and headed to our rooms! After a brief partial team meeting we headed to a pub for something to eat. Good food and good beer!! Off to bed to get ready for day 1.

Tuesday, June 14th. Ladies doubles. ~ This year's doubles were good. Didn't make it out of our section, but we sparkled. Had glimmers of greatness and then like the BC sun...they disappeared. I am not disappointed in the way we played. We had good games and fun. That is all that matters. Sure it would have been nice to make it out of our section, but we had fun. I am happy with that. After I was done playing I went back to the room and sat in the hot tub. Three masked men came out and started tramping around. Jumping in the pool and goofing off. They know who they are and I won't reveal them....but there are pictures out there.....then it was off to bed.

Wednesday, June 15th. Singles ~ Once again, happy with my day. Didn't make it out of my section but I am not upset in my day. There are a lot of very good players. Hell, it's nationals. They are the best of the best. They earned their spot to be on the team. It's tough. After I was done playing, I stayed because I was chalking one of the men's semi final games. So I grabbed my chalked and found someone to chalk their game for. I chalked for Jeff Smith, he lost.....So I then found Dave Cameron and chalked for him. He didn't lose, so I chalked for him again, he didn't lose that match either....I think I am a good luck charm ;) I ended up chalking his semi final match but not for him, for his opponent. Dave won, pretty sure it was because I was on stage (Ok.....I am not actually serious.....not really). Then I left. I hurt all over from standing.....darts is physically exhausting. Seriously. So I went back to my room and went to bed.

Thursday, June 16th. Mixed Doubles ~ This was a good day and a very frustrating day. Karsten and I were mixed partners. I knew it would be a good day. I knew we could play well together. We play in the same leagues at home, Tuesdays (when I show up) and Wednesday's. So we have seen each other a loSat over the last few years. We had a slow start, be it nerves, being tired or what not. Then we picked it up. We won 6 matches. That's the best I have ever done at Nationals. That caused a tie between us and the Alberta team. We had a to play a playoff game of 701. We just couldn't pull it off. We shot well, just couldn't make it happen. That was so frustrating for me. I wasn't disappointed in anything we had done, just we were close and then nope done. That sucks. After darts was done was the banquet. I won't get into that again....if you really want to know...look at last years post. It's just the same.

Friday, June 17th. NODOR Cup. ~ Our first match was against NWT again. I couldn't miss the 20 or my doubles....where was this magical person for the last three freaking days?!?!?! I shot well!! We won our first round 5-3. Whoop!! Next was Newfoundland and Labrador.....shiiiiiiit. Nerves won on that one for me. I lost my match 2-1. It was close and I had my chance. If I could have calmed that tremor I got, it would have been golden. Oh well. We ended up losing that set 5-3. And our day was done. For some. There was the America's Cup qualifier and then doubles in the evening. It was such a beautiful day that some of us decided to go to the waterfront in Vancouver. It was such a great time!! SO beautiful. I took a few pics :-p (yaya I know). Downtown Vancouver is so pretty...everything was just so pretty. And clean....oh!!!! Aaaaannnnndddd, there are no mosquitoes.....none!! Windows didn't have screens on them. There are like no bugs. It was amazing!!! I was ready to stay and live there....and then the rain came back on Saturday and I started to miss my sunshine. After the trip downtown, a couple of us went to the Richmond night market. It was an experience. Then pizza and bed.

Saturday, June 18th. Canadian Open. Ladies singles. ~ Darts were good, just not good enough. I didn't make it out of my section but that's ok. A few of us did. Ashtin played phenomenal!! So, to boost my ego (with my chalking abilities), I chalked for him until he lost in the quarter final (pretty sure that's when it was) He almost had it, just didn't jump the wire. It was another good day. We all congregated into Jason's room after supper and compiled our collection of alcohol and like and good Saskatchewan peeps would do, we drank it all. :) It was a late night,but a great night. Full of laughs and stories and all the things that make us one big dysfunctional family.

Sunday, June 19th. We flew home.

There is nothing like going to Nationals. The people you meet and the friendships that are made. I enjoyed my week, even though I didn't get far. It was the best week. New friends, old friends. The people make the experience. Happy to be home, sad to leave everyone.

Next year, Saint John's, New Brunswick. Here is to National's 2017!!!

And to chalking like a boss :p


Monday, 14 March 2016


 This is my own opinion. Please treat it as so.

Puppet: a person, party, or state under the control of another person, group, or power.

How is it that people still allow themselves to be controlled by another person(s)? Is it a self esteem issue? Personal choice? Or is it a loss of nerve, unable to pull themselves out of a shitty situation.

I am not talking about abuse, although, it could be classified as a type of abuse I suppose. Abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, none of those should be tolerated. No form of abuse should be tolerated, or allowed. It is unnessary and cowardly.

I am talking about how can one person twist your thought process from one idea into a whole new idea. You may not disagree with that person's thought, you may have never seen it the way they do. But, then you allow your heart to get in the way of what your morals are and allow yourself to become something you aren't. Someone you don't recognize in the mirror. Someone you said you wouldn't be. I get it's a form of mind control, yes I believe there is such a thing (just not the ESP type). Someone can twist your thoughts and make them your own even though they aren't. It is wrong. Though manipulation. Why would someone do that? What would possess you to control someone that way. Why would you want to control someone that way? You are a happy person, bubbly even. And then over time you change. You're withdrawn. Not happy all the time. See things that aren't there, not hallucinations, but make things up. You are no longer who you are. You have become someone's puppet. It isn't right. 

Yes, there is compromise to all relationships. You may not like your best friends taste in music, but you listen to it because they would do the same. But you wouldn't make your best friend buy the CD and concert tickets, because you know. That's not how relationships work. Any type of relationship. I don't claim to be a relationship expert. Probably the farthest thing from it. But I have seen people in shitty relationships, friendships, common-law relationships, marriages, just starting relationships. They start off great. Then something happens. He changes, or she changes and then they start making the other one conform to their ways. There is no compromise. There is no back bone. No standing up for what they want or disagree with. I don't get it. Yes, like I have said before, I am not perfect. Not even close. But it is wrong and something I don't get. You have your own mind. Use it. Say no. You are not there for everyone's pleasure. You have your own mind, morals and opinions. Use them. Challenge them. But don't abandon them. Be you. Don't let anyone change who you are. If they really care about you they shouldn't try and change you. 

I will never become someone's puppet. Call me stubborn, pig-headed, impossible or whatever floats your boat. But I am who I am for a reason. I have fought hard to become the person I am today. I will not sacrifice myself for anyone. I am a fighter. I am happy in my own skin. My mind may not love me at all times and I may feel worn down. Discouraged, depressed even. I have felt like a failure, more than once. But I am who I am, and no one is going to take that away from me. I learned a long time ago, if you don't like who you are only you can fix that. Create the person you want to be. Love yourself first. Don't let a boy/girl deflate you. Be strong. Stand your ground. Never forget those around you, who already love you for you who are, embrace them fully. They will be the ones there for you when you lose yourself. They will be the ones who you can call at anytime of the night for help. But always keep fighting. Be true to yourself. Remember who you are. My Dad always used to say "remember your last name" when I went out. At first I always thought that if I were to do something wrong that it would shame my last name and I would be a failure. Growing up, I now know to me that it is more than that. It is to remember who I am. I am strong. I know what I like and what I don't. What I want in life and what I don't. What I want for my kids and what I hope they never have to go through. I have morals. Standards even. I am not picky, lame or anything else. I am me. If you don't like me, too bad. I do, well, most of the time. I have friends and family who love me and that is all I need to make it. 

Never allow yourself to become someone's puppet. 
Love yourself first.


Thursday, 3 March 2016

Trying something new out....bare with me.'s been a is everyone? Well I hope. I have no idea what I want to write about, so I am going to go have a shower and think about it.....I will be back.

Still haven't showered, I didn't realize that children need to pre get ready for bed before they actually get ready for bed. The "I'm hungry" "I have to pee" I need to hum while I am pretending to brush my teeth until Mom uses the "this is the last warning!!! No story time if you don't hurry already!" Then it's the I will sloooooowly brush my teeth, while still arguing with my sibling just enough to stop before Mom calls last warning. And then it's the getting undressed and actually possibly thinking of getting into bed. But still not 100% sure about that yet. I may stand there like I have had my brains sucked out by the Buddy doll lying on the floor who is quite possibly possessed by demons or other beings for a few minutes until I can hear you walking down the hall. If you don't know what a Buddy doll is, I highly suggest Googling it. Then you will understand the Chucky doll! And why this doll has followed me around since my younger brother was little. He received it and tormented my older brother with it, into adulthood. He is one creepy ass doll....and now my daughter has adopted it as her own. She has loved Buddy since she was a baby...I have video of her to prove it. Kissing this damn creepy doll, I am sure it has been slowly sucking the soul out of her...that would explain a lot actually...hold on! STORY TIME! We made it!!!!

Clean!!! Well I think so anyway...half way through my shower I realized that I had forgotten my towels in my room and had to use the towels in the bathroom. Which I am sure have kids toothpaste spit on them. So I felt like I should almost reshower, but I didn't. So cleanish is what I am. Why do they say you have your best thoughts in the bathroom? They do say that right...maybe they don't. Well I didn't have any great thoughts. I was trying to decide what to write for this, and I have come up with not a friggen thing. This is more of a test blog anyway. I want to see if it will actually post to my FB page with out me actually really doing much work. I think I have them linked together properly....but I am not my IT guy, so it probably won't work (Marcus, if you actually read this, or read this far don't stop....if this doesn't post....I may require your assistance when you come up in April for your birthday, aka The Main Event dart tourney). But here's to hoping.

I went to see my Dr today because I am afraid I am going to become dependent on the Zoplicone that I was given (Squirrel, not a real squirrel, just a side note, a random thought in my random thought..with me? Cuz I'm not, wow this is exhausting to type...let alone read I am sure. Do you know how hard it is to try and make capitals in a sentence when the left shift key doesn't always like to work because of a spill accident...freaking hard!!! I am not winning this battle at all) so I wanted to know if I could just take a OTC sleep aid. She told me there is a probability to become dependent on any sleep aid and to not believe everything I read on the internet (who knew!) But that they would all do the same thing...knock me out! (She said put me to sleep, same thing) She also told me that I should start keeping a journal, you know the pen and paper type, because it should help me get some of the things that keep me awake for HOURS before I actually fall asleep out. Well, as some people will know, I suck at keeping up with anything!!!! I have probably like 4 different type of journals going all at the same time. Like you have no idea. Some for random thoughts, poetry, more random thoughts, bucket list items that kind of stuff. Completely made up shit is my favourite, if I could write a complete sentence ( my grade 12 English teacher told me I lacked that) I could probably write a kick ass book about nonsense. I will probably give it the journal a try, on paper too, she said that any type of screen isn't a good thing before bed because it is a stimulant, I am not sure I completely agree with that either...I know many a people who can fall asleep as soon as the TV is turned on (you all know who you are). But I am willing to try anything to make my brain quit screaming at me while I am trying to dream wonderful dreams.

Alright, I am pretty sure I have bored everyone at this point....I am so sorry

Also, for those who have liked my FB page, I thank you. I have no intentions to keep it up regularly, that is just not me. But I will try and post something once and while to keep you mildly entertained. I hope. I don't want to become professional blogger, god nope. I don't what to become a professional anything....unless it's the significant other of a famous person, then I could become a professional that. That will never happen, so no professionalism from me. I save my professionalism for work. (Stop laughing girls).

Have a great evening. Maybe then I will have figured what the eff I am doing...not likely but here is hoping!!!